Chapter One
As Captain Soi Fon of the Punishment Squad and the Second Division (more commonly known as the Stealth Force) stalked down the hallway, a torn banner in her hand and a ferocious scowl on her face, the members of her squad couldn’t get out of the way fast enough. A reiatsu that felt that deadly was never a good sign and, added to the fact that the lieutenant still hadn’t arrived at work for the day, the Second Division as a whole could only conclude that now was a very good time to be elsewhere.
Members of her division scurrying away as she strode, Soi Fon’s scowl deepened as she sensed the spiritual pressure currently making itself at home in her office. The owner had a habit of showing up when she was least expected, though it would be good to have someone to vent to, the captain reconsidered, as she kicked open the door and slammed it behind her.
Six months ago, the war had come to an abrupt end as two Espada had escorted Orihime Inoue and the hogyouku to the Fourth Division encampment, as a very creative way of announcing their defection (a third Espada had also surrendered himself, but that was not Soi Fon’s problem). Initially imprisoned, the Captain-Commander had cut them a deal and had instated them as lieutenants of the Gotei 13 to deal with the shortage of qualified officers, just as she was looking for a new second in command. Unfortunately, the lieutenant she had gained was going to be the death of her, she was sure of it. This latest stunt…
She glared at the black cat perched on her desk as it looked, of all things, like it was struggling not to laugh. The cat cleared its throat and motioned with a paw to the banner.
“So, little bee, what has Jeagerjacques done today to incur your wrath, hmmm?”
Soi Fo on’s eyes narrowed. Though her friendship with Yoruichi Shihoun had repaired during the war enough for them to be on easy terms, the balance of power had shifted slightly. After all, she was a captain of the Gotei 13, and the woman masquerading as a cat in front of her was merely the head of a disgraced noble house. Admittedly, it was working its way out of disfavour, and she would always respect her former mentor too much to be completely smart with her, but that still didn’t mean she had to guard her tongue completely.
“Shut up! Lady Yoruichi, this is not funny.”
“Nah, I think it is. Just a little. And it’s Yoruichi to you, silly. So spill, what has he done now?”
Crumpling up the banner before throwing it on the desk, Soi Fon growled. “It’s people like you who encourage him. Anyway, he’s taken to putting up ‘mottos’ under the division crest out the front every week.”
The cat pawed at the object thrown on the desk before giving up, muttering something about a lack of opposable thumbs. As it turned to Soi Fon with a pleading look on its face the woman sighed, before going to her desk and pulling out the spare Punishment Squad uniform (three sizes too tall for her) that she kept for these occasions. Shaking her head, she strode toward the door and turned away.
“I’ll be on guard duty, shall I?” She could feel the fluctuation in reiatsu that indicated the older woman shifting into her true form.
“Excellent choice, I’d hate to give your squad a collective nose bleed.” The sound of crumpled paper being smoothed out was heard before yet another smothered laugh was uttered. “Hmmm… I don’t know, it kind of works.”
Growling, Soi Fon whirled around to snatch it out of Yoruichi’s hands. “We don’t have a motto, and if we did, it certainly would not be ‘Second Division – Fuck with us at your peril’.”
The head of the Shihoun family grinned. “Shaolin, look on the bright side. He at least knows how to use the word peril in a sentence.”
“Don’t call me that. Anyway, if I thought he was stupid, I would take that little bit of comfort offered, but he isn’t. He’s perfectly literate and not unintelligent, he’s just lazy. Once I made it clear to him that I would continue to get him to do the same amount of paperwork no matter how atrociously he wrote it up, he’s been filling it out perfectly, if not silently. Of course, he insists on signing everything with ‘I’m Grimmjow fucking Jeagerjacques, bitch’.” Soi Fon smirked to herself. “I was going to repunctuate it and add the word extraordinaire to the end, but I decided it wasn’t the most mature response. Besides, he might even see it as encouragement.”
Yoruichi grinned. “I don’t know, I’d like to see his face when he saw it. Anyway, every week you say?”
As she mechanically shredded the offending article, Soi Fon nodded. “Last week it was ‘Second Division – Where da party at’.”
“I see.” Giving up on the struggle not to laugh, Yoruichi queried, “Question or statement?”
“Equally inappropriate either way, and therefore irrelevant. The week before it was ‘A Kenpachi-free zone’. Before that, I think it was ‘No Strawberries allowed’.”
“Little Ichi would have loved that.”
“There was an altercation later. That was the week we had to rebuild the barracks, remember?”
“Well, you do piss off Ichigo at your own risk. Come to think of it, the same could be said of you. Maybe he’s some sort of masochist?”
Slumping in her chair, Soi Fon threw yet another glare at her mentor. “No, he just knows he can’t be caught. He’s been far too careful to disguise his handwriting and put it up when no one’s there.”
“So how do you know it’s him?”
“Do you know anyone else who has dedicated their life to making mine a misery?”
“True. But still – “
“Every time it happens, he arrives at work with that grin.”
“The one you keep telling me that you want to smack off?”
“Precisely. Why can’t we go back to the days where my lieutenants quivered with fear at my approach?”
“Because for once you’ve got a lieutenant who’s good enough. C’mon, he does his paperwork and he’s great on the field, if a little battle crazy. You even said yourself that he makes a good assassin, despite the bright blue hair and inability to shut up.”
“I said that?” For some reason, she couldn’t recall complimenting him. She’d probably repressed that incident in order to preserve her sanity.
“I think that was even a direct quote. Look, so he’s an ass. At least he’s a competent one, right? Omeada was barely that, and you managed to not kill him.”
“Only just”, Soi Fon muttered. She had appreciated her old lieutenant’s efforts during the war (possibly more so as they had contributed to his death), but the fact remained that Omeada should not have been made a lieutenant. Especially not her lieutenant, at any rate. Of course, if she’d known who he’d be replaced with, she might have made more of an effort to keep him alive.
“Still didn’t happen though, right? One of Barragan’s Fraccion did him in, not you. By the way, have I praised your restraint for that?”
“Not nearly enough.”
“Well, I don’t know how you put up with him all those years. I salute you. So anyway, aside from Grimmjow being an ass, what else is wrong with him?”
The assassin motioned to the towering stack of paperwork on the second desk in the room. “That. Those are all the sexual harassment complaints filed against the delightful Jeagerjacques by women in multiple divisions. The smaller pile next them are the members of this squad who wish to transfer out as a direct result of being, and I quote, ‘loved and left’ by the same. The slightly larger pile on the left is made up of applications from the women who wish to transfer in, in the hope of being ‘loved and not left’.”
Yoruichi winced. “Oh, well, when you put it like that – “
“That’s not all. Do you know why those piles are still there?”
Tentatively, the other woman ventured a negative.
“Because my lieutenant is supposed to be filling them out as we speak. Except he’s not exactly present and accounted for, is he?”
“Ah. Ok, you may have a point. Is he usually this late?”
“Unless I feel inclined to get him myself, yes. And I don’t. The one time I tried I had to evict him and two female unseated officers from his bedroom. I never want to have to do that ever again. Instead, I console myself with the knowledge that he will probably catch something nasty soon, and that at least he’s in before midday.”
Yoruichi raised an eyebrow. “Two women?”
Soi Fon sighed. “They’re both in the ‘transfer out’ pile. And possibly the sexual harassment pile, I didn’t bother checking.”
“Suddenly I understand why you changed all your old punching bags to bright blue ones.”
xXx
He could have sworn his ears were burning, as he entered the offices, noting the missing banner.
Awww, I kinda liked that one. It had a nice ring to it. Oh well, the little bee is going to be seriously pissed off now…
Grinning to himself, he strode down the hall toward their office.
Just how I like her.
xXx
“Have you tried just beating the crap out of him?” Yoruichi had to admit, she’d never seen the woman she considered a little sister this disgruntled. Pissed off, yes, but not pissed off and unsure of what to do next. This was entirely new and arousing her curiosity.
Ok, so she was a cat for a reason. Sue her.
Drumming her nails on the desk, Soi Fon frowned slightly. “On numerous occasions. The only problem is – he’s good with his hands.”
Her companion raised an eyebrow, prompting Soi Fon to reconsider what she’d said. “Oh, for – I meant in the fighting sense. Kami, I’m not stupid enough for that.“
Yoruichi grinned. “I don’t know. An entire paperwork’s stack of women can’t be wrong. And besides bee, you could use some fun.”
Glaring in response, she replied, “I would sooner gouge out my own eyes and eat them. And I do have fun. I’ll have even more fun when I finally manage to beat him into the ground and can kick him in the gut as he sprawls in a puddle of his own blood.” She exhaled, before looking pensive. “Do you think it would be a bit much to strangle him with his own intestines?”
Yoruichi considered this. “Depends. Are you using the large or small? Anyway bee, it sounds like the guy’s actually getting under your skin. You can’t beat him up, you say?”
She grimaced. “I can, to a certain extent. But hand-to-hand combat is where he excels, and he’s improved since he arrived. It’s getting to be an even match. Are you sure I can’t just kill him?”
“Very. Who’d replace him?”
“You could come back.”
Yoruichi looked at her in disbelief. “Not going to happen. I’m done with the Gotei 13. Kisuke may have felt able to return, but not me. He forgives easier, especially when there’s a laboratory involved. Me, I’m still bordering on the outright unfriendly. I can’t forget the way they turned on him. Besides, the Shihouns have practically run themselves into the ground. I’m enjoying being the prodigal daughter they don’t want to admit is saving them. It makes for hilariously awkward dinner party conversation.”
Lady Yoruichi always did have a strange sense of humour. “I’m sure. How are they taking the news that you now own a living-world themed club, of all things?” She knew the Shihouns well, and the expressions on their faces at the news would have been something to behold.
“It’s easy for them to stomach it in theory – it’s what’s paying their bills. In practice though…” Yoruichi grinned. “It’s probably very evil to be so amused at their distress, but what can I say?” Posing dramatically, she declaimed, “Soi Fon, if this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.”
A familiar voice drawled from the doorway. “And on that note, I say bring on the sweet, sweet lesbian action!”
Taking up the entirety of the doorframe, Grimmjow Jeagerjacques stared at the scene in front of him, as the petite, dark haired woman seated at the desk glared at him stonily, while the exotic woman leaning against the bureau smirked as she tried not to laugh, before giving up and rolling her eyes.
“You wish, Grimmjow.”
He smirked. “I do, but I ain’t alone. Wouldya believe that a few weeks ago some depraved individual had the nerve to put up a sign advertising that the Second Division was the ‘official home of all your girl on girl/cat action’? Got a fair bit of attention, too.”
His innocent tone was entirely unconvincing, and Yoruichi couldn’t help but over hear the sound of some part of the desk splintering as her little protégé took her anger out on the furniture, before gritting out, “You’re late, Jeagerjacques.”
“Yeah, Yachiru tried to get me to play with ‘Ken-chan’. Terrible way to start the day, if you ask me. Now, waking up to gaze at your lovely face, on the other hand, bee – “
Before he could utter another syllable, Soi Fon was there, her sword drawn and at his throat.
“You don’t want to finish that sentence. And don’t call me bee if you value your life… kitty.”
He winced. “A low blow, Captain. What’s got your hakama in a twist?”
“Leave my hakama out of this.”
“We can, if you’d like. I’d certainly love to – Ouch! Shit, that fucken hurts, bee – “
Taking a deep breath and counting to three, she retracted her other hand, which had been pinching a nerve near his neck. “Don’t call me that. Now, get your paperwork and get out. I don’t care where, as long as it’s done by the end of the day. If it’s not…” Suzumebachi pressed closer to his neck. “Use your imagination.” Whipping her zanpakto away, she shoved him toward his desk.
“Oh, I will.” Gathering up the files on his desk, he saluted the woman on the desk whose shoulders were shaking with the effort of concealing her laughter. “Lady Yoruichi.” As he walked out the door, he turned to the woman shaking with fury at the other end of the room. “See you later, oh cap’n, my cap’n.”
Making a quick exit and chuckling to himself, he heard Soi Fon’s furious order not to call her that, either.
Now that was fun.
Back in the office, Soi Fon looked positively murderous. Yoruichi cleared her throat.
“Does he always – “
“Hit on any woman who moves? Yes. Infuriate me? Yes. Have that ridiculous smirk on his face? Yes.”
“I get the point.” Shaking her head, the heiress grinned. “How long have you been a target of his, uh, advances?”
“Since I first beat him up.”
“He really is a masochist. I heard that you told the SWA that he was… Ah shit, what was it? It was a good one too…”
“An insolent, arrogant man-child. Apparently he heard it, and he’s been even worse since.”
“This is probably a stupid question, but have you considered apologising?” Catching the look Soi Fon threw her, Yoruichi sighed. “Yep, a stupid question. Oh well, will you feel better if you beat something up?”
“Immeasurably.”
“Let’s go then. Training grounds it is.”